Session 62: Bones are the Pits

Our search for pieces of the Rod of Seven Parts had brought us to a large chamber with two cages suspended over deep pits. As Gal'akhr entered the dungeon room, two giant skeletons rose from the floor and began hurling bones at him. I harbored a certain amount of concern for him, given his weakened condition, so I extended my arcane ward to protect him from the osseous onslaught. Varis then paralyzed one of skeletons, allowing Gal'akhr and Volodemir to finish it off. Meanwhile, I cast several shatter spells at the second one, which Flint then charged, delivering the killing blow.

Just as the group began to relax (I, of course, am always relaxed), two bone weirds arose from the pits below the cages, threatening the skeletal integrity of the entire party. One of these monstrosities even charged my own person, leading to no small amount of alarm on my part! I was repaid for my good turn on Gal'akhr's behalf, however, as he leapt to my rescue, and we quickly dispatched the behemoths, being sure this time to destroy their accursed skulls.

Much deliberation ensued, from which I stood apart.

Eventually we pressed on and discovered a room which seemed to have once contained eight coffins but now contained only six, the remaining two replaced by pits spewing forth an eerie purple light. Upon entering this despicable tomb, six shadowy spirit demons materialized near the coffins. I called upon my arts to enact a force barrier that cut two of them off from the pack. My hope was to bottleneck the rest, allowing us to dispatch them one by one, but the accursed demons did not take the bait. They instead disappeared from view while we quickly eliminated the two that remained on our side of my barrier. Gal'akhr then bypassed the force wall entirely with a mighty leap and confronted the remaining four head-on. I subsequently dismissed the wall, allowing the party to converge on the hapless demons.

After the battle, we were left scratching our heads, searching for an egress, until, in a flash of inspiration, the bard Volodemir discovered a secret door in the chamber from which we had just come. This secret door led to a grotesque slide that ended in a grisly bone pit. Flint and Gal'akhr decided to give the slide a go, resulting in Flint nearly dying by way of a possessed bone shard. The rest of us arrived in the ossuary via more conservative methods and, no sooner had we taken the measure of the place, than an enormous bone golem rose to confront us.

Session 61: Cult of the Cannabalistic Cunt

Bowl inscription:
Story of Mother Thornheart. Must place story in correct order if  you wish to pass

4 doors labeled N, NE, SE, S

N - Let Them Eat Carrion
Scones illuminate a large banquet table filled with fine roasted meats and goblets of fine wine  as the party enters the room. Table filled with meats and goblets of wine. Seated at the table are three humanoid vultures tearing away at the meat and slurping red wine with their beaks [insert vulture gif from robin hood]

Vultures are jolly and beckon the group to join them. Stephen, Luke, and MacGyver cautiously do so in an attempt to lure information about the situation while Ghal’akar stands behind them. After a few sips, the illusion fades away. The once glorious roast reduced to putrid flesh and the vintage merlot to brown sludge.

The vultures begin laughing as those who partook became violently ill and are incompacitated for two rounds. Ghal’akar bolts into action, launching over the table and attacking the vultures. Death by 1,000 cuts.

Tablet appears after the demon birds were eliminated.
The feasting started at midnight and lasted through the night.
Mother Thornheart always cared for her special guests
She always said the tastiest and most tender meat was when they were frightened
Mother Thornheart served sweetest [un rea

NE - Some Pun about Trials
Sconces illuminate as the party enters the second chamber with Eerie shadows dancing across the walls and floors. Along the east and west walls feature four alcoves with red stone statues of a heavily robed humanoid figure. In the middle of the room lay a circle of glowing blue runes etched into the ground.

A low rumbling spreads across the chamber. A deep and trembling voice demands, “Step forward so your worthiness can be judged by the conclave of the father.”

Group debates next move. What does “worthiness” mean in this context? Who in the group would be the most worthy to stand in the presence in terms of this hell bound cannibal cunt? The group determines that shittiest member of the party is definitely Mike, who has just stood by watching his friends face death multiple times and done nothing. Ironically, his absence in this encounter also shielded him from the nomination. Ghal’akar, being the second shittiest, however was most injured from the last battle. Finally, Stephen the Decider steps forward and grabs the runes. As he does so, he is hit by a blast of lightning, temporarily losing 4 intelligence and becoming Stephen the Slightly Stoopid.

Tablet appears.
The trial was long and agonizing.
Mother Thornheart prepared.
Every action taken was questioned.
Multiple witnesses testified
In the end, Mother Thornhead One Swift Sentence

S - No Noose is Good Noose

Scones Illuminate! A stone platform in the middle of a room with a noose with 6 well-armed skeletons surrounding it, their armor rusted and pitted. Something about a bone white tree in the noose. A booming voice says “To find the stone, someone must swing”

Knowing full well that that voice is probably demanding a sacrifice, the group still attempts to pursue the least fatal options first. As the only member of the group capable of flying, Matt offers to be the guinea pig. He walks up and the noose and sticks his head in, planning to use his flying ability to avoid death by gravity. As he does so, the noose takes hold and begins to draw out his life force. Rob cuts the rope down to save Matt. A new noose rematerialized.

Suddenly, Stephen’s healing robot appeared and is used as the sacrifice.

The third stone tablet appears.
It took a band of warriors to …
To ensure Mother Thornheart…
Used every tool in her power to curse the warriors.
In the end, the tree claimed her life.

SE - Fond Adieu (Fondue)

The group enters the final door. As they walk along a corridor to the final boss, MacGyver notices a secret door with red, crusty, pudding-like substance over it. Slightly Stoopider Stephen  wipes a booger on the door. The group can’t get the door open. Ghal’akar tried to paint a key hole in the door with his marvelous pigments, but a hags head appears through the keyhole and the keyhole disappears. The group continues down and vows to come back later.

They enter the last chamber to see a glittering red pool. A fountain undulates with what appears to be blood pudding fountain. Maybe a former fondue pot for a cannibal? [Insert deadpool joke?]
Two skeletons scream, “Come and meet your death in a pool of blood.” Apparently literary finesse is not one of hell’s strong suits.

Ghal’akar was very much at death's door. The group manages to slay the skeletons and other stuff?

Tablet appears:
Mother Thornheart delighted in drowning guests in pools of blood. Relished the feeling of holding them down to fear for their life.
By doing so, was able to capture more souls.
Mother Thornheart was truly an artist.


****
Group returns to the secret door, takes blood pudding ooze from the chamber and smears it on it. The door opens to reveal a massive treasure room.
A mummified body (did we identify?)
Jewelry 9 something about Each alignment
6 black pearls worth 500 gold.
Something else
Magical items TBD

Return to the main room to lay the tiles in their places. Drowning, Feasting, Trial, and  Execution. Correct order. Something about telepathic scream - blood stops dripping from the eyes. Door or steps or something appears. Enter a new room.

Session 60: The One Where They Almost Die (What do you mean that doesn't narrow it down?)

The group enters a big large, cobweb covered room. A giant skeleton with green gem in their eye socket lumbers in the corner. As the group enter rooms, the giant’s voice fills the chamber, demanding a sacrifice. Skeletons emerge from the three corridors to the left and poison gas fills the entryway. We defeat the giant, and the skeletons collapse

The group finds 750 gold and adds the green gem to MacGyver’s haversack MacGyverSack™.

After clearing out the room, the group wanders down the hallway and enter another room. 
Clearly designed by someone with a predilection for anagrams, each of the three sides of the room contains three nooks with a giant letter in front of each doorway.

MacGyver looks up and sees four inanimate scarecrows lurking above, but the group is too focused on the puzzle above to listen. Still woozy from the poison gas, MacGyver shrugs it off as a hallucination and doesn’t press the matter.

As the group squabbles over the appropriate interpretation of the foreshadowing riddle, Rob grows weary of talk, and forges ahead. As he steps on the giant A in front of the first door to the left. Immediately bone shards fly out of the walls, pummeling an already injured group.

After much deliberation, the group decides to have Flint, the least-damaged member of the group, to spell out Graveyard while the rest hide in the entrance alcove. As he reaches the midway point, the four scarecrows lurking above, suddenly animate and descend from the rafters in ambush.

The scarecrows let out terrifying screeches like hillbilly banshees sent from depths of hell. The screams strike unnatural terror into the crew, leaving most of the party paralyzed in fear and striking psychic damage into the minds of the unafraid.

The party falls and Flint is the only one left standing.

Flint casts healing onto Macgyver. MacGyver and Lynnya regain consciousness. Under cover of is fallen and fearfall comrades, MacGyver sits up and draws his longbow on one of the skeletons and hits it. Stephen casts fireball on the scarecrows and sets them aflame as they fall to their death. 

As the last ash falls to the ground, a faint Zelda-like sound effect is heard in the background as the large middle tile opens up to reveal a large red gem.

Flint heals the rest of the group a little, returning them to consciousness. MacGyver discovered a hidden treasure chest containing.
10k in gold pieces
Stone of absorption
Sovereign Glue
Scarab of Protection
Belt of Fire Giant Strength

Gahl'Akhar grabbed the Belt, promising to give it to Goblin later. This might lead to a dance-off. The group exits the temple and makes camp in the woods, taking a long rest. Gahl'Akhar regains his missing bones, and proceeds to walk around the camp flicking off everyone in the party and giggling like an adolescent child.

The party returns to the mausoleum, and enters. The put the stones in the skulls eyes. Another faint Zelda-like sound effect is heard in the background as the skull’s mouth opens and reveals a hidden set of stairs. The stairs lead to a long chamber.

Two “well endowed” demon statues great the party on each side of the room. Behind the  statues, the party can see two arched doorways on each side leading out of the room. 

On the far wall, the party sees a small platform with a 10ft tall statue of a “matronly” woman holding a bowl in her hands with a faint inscriptions the group can’t quite make out. Blood tears ooze out of her stone eyes and pools in the bowl. In front of the statue, there are four square stone indentations about a foot deep, where it looks like tiles are missing.

As the party is deliberating how to proceed with what is obviously a trap triggered by crossing the demon statue line, Matt wonders further into the room crossing the invisible threshold. As he does so, the demon statues start to come to life.